And now for someone completely different at What Not to Do Wednesday: acclaimed Southern writer,George Singleton.
George has a new book making a writing splash, Pep Talks, Warnings & Screeds, that’s full of his writing What To Do’s. So, really, he could have just slapped a “Not” in front of his witty wisdom and passed it along here. But George is a classy guy, so he came up with something completely different for the Hall of Fame. Read and learn, grasshopper.
George Singleton’s What Not To Do
So I’ve been thinking about this topic for a week. Don’t eat jelly sandwiches directly above your keyboard. Don’t plagiarize. Don’t threaten editors. If you know Russian or Chinese fluently, don’t spend eight or ten pages of a novel wherein the characters only communicate in Russian or Chinese, just to show the reader how smart you are. Don’t keep disposable safety razors anywhere near your writing desk.
But these seem obvious. What I want to talk about is how agents have evolved into believing that pre-blurbs are good things. Is this true? Good grief. Let me make it clear that when my editor for last couple books asked me, “Who would you like to blurb your book?” I said, “No one.” I meant it. It’s a slight pain in the butt, and most people I would ever like to write a book blurb, I knew, were busy writing their own novels or stories. If I didn’t know the writer-and why would I want to bug a stranger?- I felt as though I would be invading his or her space. If the writer was a friend-gee, how many friends write blurbs for one another- I knew that he or she had enough things to worry about.
Here’s a true story. I was asked to rate a writer’s blurb-worthiness on a scale from A to F. We went through a bunch of A’s : T.C. Boyle, Barry Hannah, and so on. I said, “What about Thomas Pynchon? What about J. D. Salinger?”
Then we went through people I knew, all of whom I said “C,” because I didn’t want to bother them. Then, finally, I was asked, “What about John Kennedy Toole?”
I waited for a while and listened to silence on the other end of the phone. Was I being tested? Did this PR person want to see what a rube I might be? I said, “He’s dead.”
She was silent for a while and then said, “You gave me his name.”
I said, of course, “I DIDN’T GIVE YOU ANYBODY’S NAME. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS LITTLE GAME.” I said, “He committed suicide, maybe back in the late sixties, and his mother took the manuscript around-it’s a famous publishing story.”
She said, “Please don’t tell anyone about this.”
I said, “I’M TELLING EVERYONE. ARE YOU CRAZY?”
So that’s the Regular World of the Blurb. And now it’s come to the pre-blurb. In the World of the Pre-Blurb, agents send a manuscript around in hopes that another writer’s initial glowing words will somehow transform an editor’s “We’re going to have to pass on this novel” to “Jeepers! If Blank says it’s okay, then it must be okay! Maybe we can get Faulkner, Cheever and Flaubert to do real blurbs when the novel comes out!”
I use exclamation points sparingly. That’s another What Not to Do-don’t scatter exclamation points all over your manuscript as if you poured them out of an exclamation point shaker.
I’ve done a handful of these pre-blurb things. Some novels get published (and I don’t think needed pre-blurbs) and some didn’t. I do not-believe me-blame the writer. He or she almost has to say, “Okie-dokie, if you think it’s a great idea, then send out the manuscript.” What’re you going to do, piss off the agent after you spent all that time trying to get one?
I can’t wait to see what happens in the future: “What you need to do, while the fetus is still growing in your womb,” the agent will say, “is get a bunch of writers to say what a great writer you’ll be. You need some proof that you took enough folic acid, didn’t drink or smoke, and played classical music on your belly. And then you need them to say how the kid will go to the best schools, and participate in the proper amount of extracurricular activities-to be well-rounded, you know- and so on. Then, when your child gets out of college we’ll get him or her to write a novel. And the pre-pre-blurbs can be sent to pre-blurbists, so that editors will want the novel. And then they’ll offer a contract, and get going on rounding up some real blurbists.”
No wonder the publishing industry struggles as of late.
So my What Not To Do Wednesday lesson, I suppose, is not expect any kind of rational, logical behavior when it comes to getting published. And don’t call an ear, nose, and throat doctor when you find a scar on your tongue-it’s from having to bite it so often.
Thanks, George. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a pre-blurb. Imagine all the other writer-ly wisdom you’re going to get from Pep Talks, Warnings & Screeds. Plus, now, I’m kinda hooked on George. I need to read one of his other books. He’s published four collections of short stories, two novels, and tons of short stories in magazines and literary journals.
To tell the truth, George sent me a copy of his scathingly brilliant book. And I’d really like to give it away to someone who comments today. But here’s the thing: This is a book with pep talks! Warnings! Screeds! It’s the sort of book every writer needs sitting by his/her desk when the going gets tough and you’re doodling tattoo ideas on your forearm (or maybe that’s just Cathy C. Hall). So, I’m not sure I can part with my book. But George has very graciously agreed to part with more of his writer-ly wit and wisdom today. He’ll be hanging about, ready to dispense advice to anyone who stops by with a question.
Didn’t I tell you he was completely different?
Cathy C. Hall Writes 
George,Just started reading your book and loved Tip # 53–Be Patient With Your Editor. Writers from the South aren’t the only ones that puzzle their editors. I wrote a nonfiction book about Pennsylvania that was edited by someone living in Canada. It was like I had written about an entirely different planet. In the end I stopped trying to explain all the words, sayings, and tradtions to her and was reduced to saying “Trust me, people from Pennsylvania(who else would read a book about PA trivia?)will get it.”
I am in no way a writer but I am interested in the creative process. Thank you for your post which was very entertaining and informative. The John Kennedy Toole story was off the charts as example of the sad state of representation today. A sad state when it becomes a game of “one upsmanship.” Not sure that’s a word but I’ve heard it on the tennis courts.Oh, and great point on the “No razor blades next to the keyboard” idea.
Hey Anonymous–What would the Canadian editor think about all those odd-named towns in Lancaster County–the dirty-sounding names? I won’t write them down here–but everyone go to a Rand McNally and look up some of those towns. I kind of want to live in that area.
George, it’s most kind of you to offer your advice.Do you have any suggestions for someone who has been “thinking about” writng for years? When am I too old to start. I’m already even older than Cathy.
Robz431–If you’re older than Cathy, then forget it…Joke.I taught a memoir writing class one time to a group of men and women in an assisted-living village. One woman talked about how they had to do without grain during the war. I said, “Yes, I’ve heard that about WWII.” She said, “I’m talking about World War I, you idiot.”They were amazing writers and thinkers. All of them were trying to write their life stories from birth until the present, chronologically, and were coming to walls. I asked them to pick out specific rites of passage–first car (or horse), first kiss, graduating high school, honeymoon, et cetera, and to expand on those events. Then they started flying.So for an older writer–hey, I’m 50–writing either fiction or non-fiction, it might not be a bad idea to get a deep empty box and start filling it with scenes, anecdotes, and so on. After a month or two, start looking down and gathering together the material, and start making some sense out of it. It’ll work, I promise.
Good gravy! Cathy needs to smack the “older than” guy!Seriously though, George your book sounds fantastic! I love quirky, off the wall stuff. Which is really weird since my one and only book is very serious stuff. Thanks for your advice!Ruth
Ah, Ruth, don’t worry…no matter how old I get, I’ll always be younger than Robz :-)And much as it pains me to say this, if my old friend actually started writing, he’d probably write circles around me…George, on the other hand, is in deep trouble.Okay, just kidding, George. But I’ve just spent 15 minutes of my writing time looking for those names in Pennsylvania. You’re going to have to give me more than “the Lancaster area” so I can move on and get back to taking exclamation points out of my stories.
Cathy, thanks for posting about this interview on the Southern Breeze list because otherwise, I never woulda known about 1) your blog; and 2) George Singleton. I can’t wait to read more of his work! [oh,oh, trying to shove exclamation point back into exclamation-point shaker. didn’t work. Next time i’ll try the delete key]. Love the humor. Oh, and I already have a scar on my tongue from biting it–I have two teens at home. One last thing: George, please, please tell me the person who didn’t know about John Kennedy Toole was NOT an editor…
Great article, George. Thanks Cathy. Instead of the book, would you consider adopting one of us?
What is it about sleeping that make the previous day’s writing unusable? The topics that were so clever without the influence of drugs or alcohol are frightening the following day. I self-edit so much that I don’t finish anything. Oh, published author, do you give advice?
Dear Kath–Is this to me? Usually I would get all messed up and think that everything that came off my fingertips was the best thing ever written in the English language. Then I’d sober up and notice that maybe it wasn’t even in the English language. My advice would be to either A) lower your standards; or B) trudge onward and later let an editor decide.Plus, it’s okay to write bad stuff, as long as you’re writing. If you are a runner, not all training days are going to go well, but you’re still going to be better later on than if you didn’t train at all.
Oh, you’re so welcome, Vicki. Thanks for stopping by.Southern Breeze is the SCBWI chapter here in GA (also AL and MS), George. I know you teach (taught?) at the SC Governor’s School for the Arts, so could you offer what you think are some great current (or not so current) middle grade/YA literature that you think kids should be reading? Because I know what Kath, not Cath means about self-editing. I can get my short stories finished (and occasionally published) but I can’t seem to quit messing with my kid’s book. I’d like to read some fine fiction for inspiration! (Oops. Sorry.)
I have a nonfiction manuscript and I am trying to decide whether to query for an agent or a publisher. What do you advice?
For Cathy–This might show up twice. It didn’t show up when I hit “Publish Your Comment,” for some reason.I don’t know about YA books. My kids read Best American, New Stories from the South, New Yorker, Harper’s, Georgia Review,and so on. It’s pretty much Flannery O’Connor to the Present. Salinger, Carver, Munro, Hannah, BA Mason, TC Boyle, Tobias Wolff, that kind of stuff. They’re smart kids–average SAT is 1400 or thereabouts. Way smarter than I am.
Abi–Agent. I got pretty much screwed over by a publisher right off the bat, without an agent. Not that every publisher is going to screw you over, but if you say, “I don’t want to give anyone 15% of my money,” think about this: 15% of nothing is nothing. 15% of, say ten grand, ain’t all that much money for the headaches the agent takes care of.
George,Do you think it’s as important to get an agent for fiction? And if so, what’s the best way to go about snagging one?Thanks,Ruth
haiku’s tiny formone way to lower standardscompleted! thank youI hope one exclamation mark per manuscript is acceptable. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hey Ruth–For sending to magazines, no agent needed (except for The New Yorker and a couple other magazines). For a novel or collection, I think so. How to snag one: Find a few of your favorite writers’ books. There will probably be some kind of aknowledgement page in the book, and the agent will be listed, more than likely. You are probably going to write like most of your favorite writers, and evidently the agent likes that kind of fiction, too. Now go online, or get out an Agents Market book, find his or her address, and write the agent a letter. Say something like, “I have completed a novel that’s about…” Don’t let it run over a page.If the agent writes back something like, “I would love to read your ms. for $300” DO NOT SEND IT. Even if it’s a buck, don’t send it. More than likely you will either not hear from the agent whatsoever (I have no clue why), or you’ll get a “send the first fifty pages” letter, or you’ll get a “not interested” note. There must be 3000 agents out there, and they all have bills to pay. It’s not like they don’t want to sell your work to a publisher, and get you the most money, which makes them the most money. if the agent likes the first 50 pages, he or she will ask for the complete ms. Then you begin crossing your fingers.
George:Thanks for your response to mine and to the question on where to find agents. Great Info.I will like to comment on the frustration of having to interpret one’s writing. I write primarily on things Nigerian and often use cultural colloquialisms. Is it proper to have a glossary accompany my texts, even novels or should I write the interpreted lingo?
Abi–I have no clue. Zero clue. I doubt there’s one right way to do it. There’s this way (in French):Odile pet her favorite dog–her chienne–and said, “T’assis,” until it sat down. Or you could have a glossary. I’d go with number one, but I’m no editor. And my French is sketchy, so don’t quote me on that “t’assis.”
I have an ancestor who died fighting in the Civil War.His story is a fascinating one that begins with his birth in Ireland and ends a mere 24 years later in the woods of Clayton County. He was a prolific writer who left a decent paper trail. I think I have enough material for a pretty good book. How do I “test the waters of publication?” I would hate to spend months or even years writing this man’s life story only to be told “sorry” but we’ve seen enough Civil War stories.
Hey, Cath – I think I’m doing this right, but who knows?Hi George — quick question. I’ve been told over and over again that there really isn’t a market for short story collections unless one is already a well-known author. True or untrue? And how best to proceed in both instances? Thanks.
To the Anonymous Person with the Dead Ancestor:I have a pumpkin seed. I think it might grow into a prize winning pumpkin. But I don’t want to plant and tend for the thing unless I know there’s going to be a buyer…You have to write the story. If it’s that important to you, and that great of a story, then you have to write it first. Sorry for the bad news. If you were meant to write it, then you will write it.
To Lisa–The people who say what you mentioned are unsuccessful short story writers, and editors who find it easier to promote novels to their marketing departments.Knockemstiff, by Donald Ray Pollock. Last year. First book. Big splash. Great collection.I think it’s a lot easier to have a story collection published if the stories have first come out in reputable literary magazines. The more of those one gets in, the better the chance to get in New Stories from the South, Best American, O. Henry, Pushcart anthologies. The more one is in those anthologies, then the act of talking an agent or editor into buying a collection becomes much easier.But overall, be true to yourself, y’all–write what you want. Don’t worry about the market more than you’re worrying about your writing. Once that happens, nothing good becomes of it, I’ve found.
George, you have gone far and above the call of duty today, handing out great advice with charm and patience. Many thanks! And thanks to all who stopped by today with questions and comments. I learned What To Do about a few things I've been mulling over, and I laughed in the process.Now, all y'all need to go get Pep Talks, Warnings & Screeds for more of George Singleton's indispensable wisdom and cautionary advice. Because I meant it when I said I have to keep my copy :-)Oh, and George? I guess I'm gonna have to break down and read The New Yorker.
Did I win a copy of George’s book?Is there a large print edition for old people? I figure Cathy will know.
Sorry, Rob, you’ll have to buy George’s book. Maybe you should buy two. You know how forgetful you are.
I’m late, as usual, adding my comments. Great post and q and a session. I’ve been busy reading one of Georg’s books, “Why Dogs Chase Cars,” and it’s a hoot!Donna
I love the “don’t keep disposable safety razors” near your writing desk line. I’d love to read his book. I could use some pep talks!
George is a hoot and a half! And he was a good sport here at the Hall of Fame. Donna, that’s exactly the book of stories I was hoping to find at the library (or maybe we could trade out?) And Krysten, thank goodness George passed on that tip. My desk is now disposable-razor free 🙂
Hi Cath,George definitely is a good sport for dispensing all his advice. I found his “Why Dogs Chase Cars” at my local library. He is a wise and witty and funny writer. I’m afraid the library police from St. Charles County, MO, will come and get me if I send the book to you. I think it might be a federal offense to send one of their library books across state lines. Here’s a shameless plug: If any of your visitors want to hear more from George, he will be visiting Donna’s Book Pub blog on March 30. (Sorry for the shameless plug, but getting advice from George is worth being a little tarty.)Happy Spring,Donna