Dear Grasshopper,

It’s that time of year again when one must pick oneself up by the chocolate-smeared reindeer slippers and give some thought to resolutions. What’s more, grasshopper, one must put those thoughts into something more than your holiday-befuddled brain. What one must do, I’m afraid, is write the goals and whatnot on paper. Or at least a sticky note. And write your resolutions with some sort of, um, resoluteness. And don’t leave out the particulars. Here’s what I mean:

DON’T say “I’ll become a better writer this year.” (Well, of course you can say that. But it will help tremendously if you actually do something.)

DON’T say “I’ll write the Great American Novel this year.” (Trust me when I tell you that a goal such as that doesn’t work. Unless you’re a Great American who happens to be a Great Writer.)

DON’T say “I’m going to make $20,000 as a writer this year.” (And for heaven’s sake, don’t say something like that around someone else, like, just to throw a “for instance” out there, the Beneficent Mr. Hall. Some people, like for instance, the Beneficent Mr. Hall, may think you have a business plan. However, if you have a monetary goal, one of those business plan thingies would come in mighty handy.)

I could go on, grasshopper, but I think you can see where this whole resolution thing is going. Besides, I’ve got my own very specific, scathingly brilliant goals to think up. (And write down.)